I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
