U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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