I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
