i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
