her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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