woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
