your parents love me but you hate me
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
