dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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