Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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