Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
