You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
