The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
