Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
