Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
