Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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