I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
