she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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