The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
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