did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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