Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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