just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I will pee on everything he values.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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