How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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