Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
