i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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