I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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