He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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