Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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