so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I cut my penus on the lid.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I can't put those talents on a resume
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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