im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
