1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
