my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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