Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
