His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
