she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
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