Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
