The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
