there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
