You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
