You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
