She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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