shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
