who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize