you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
