Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
