Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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