I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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