So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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