Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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