I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
