I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
