the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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