i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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