I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just cropdusted the office
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
