Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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